The ENERGY that DESTROYS us — Ch.il.l. ~ Chronic Illness Life
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As Spoonies and Chronic Illness People, the lack of ENERGY is a big deal for us. Energy just doesn’t flow through us like regular folks. When it does come however, it can be either destructive or empowering.
This week, after an inspiring zoom call with Susy @TheCopperVessel, a surge of creative business energy welled up. As I started to share my unbounded thoughts, my husband said, “slow down, calm down, you’re all over the place”.
Very reluctantly, I did.
And it just about made me explode.
Normally I would have held that energy in, let it burn me inside, be angry that it was being interrupted, miffed it be suggested it should be controlled and toned down. It would hurt me. Inside.
But this time, the energy felt like the rumbles of an earthquake or the roar of a mighty storm approaching.
And I knew I couldn’t/didn’t want to ignore it.
Not again. Not anymore.
So, I put my shoes on, without resentment, and swiftly went outside for an energetic walk--I even ran a little, which is kind of beyond my abilities—and deep, fiery thoughts rose inside my head.
Suddenly, I understood that this energy was a gift from life. For me. Through me. And it should be honored. If I couldn’t use it for its initial creative purpose, I should use it somehow. Circulate it. Move it. Feel it. Thank it for choosing me as an outlet.
Most of all, I knew I could not cage it inside; wild things do not fare well when we lock them up. They’ll create havoc, destruction, perhaps escape never to come back.
It also made me realize I am not as weak as I think I am.
The revelation was: I AM A FORCE OF NATURE.
Having an auto-immune body and being a “spoonie”, a strong flow of energy is not my normal. Although I’m (relatively) quite active, all things being equal, I would probably always choose to sit than move.
But this energy was in me, given to me. It was MINE. If felt SO POWERFUL. And I understood that I need to get to know ‘HER’. I need to understand how energy flows through me, in surges, often unexpectedly and typically at inopportune times—”it’s 9pm honey, time to wind down, save it for tomorrow”.
I don’t feel I should learn to control it, or manage it, or even bank it.
It’s not how it works for me, maybe not for you either.
For now, I want to admire it, like a magnificent wild beast showing up just for me.
It’s been days and I’m still riding this wave.
I already feel more powerful.
More empowered.
Does this make sense to you? Is it just me?
Do I have sisters out there who feel what I’m sharing? Please let me know.
And if this sounds intriguing to you, maybe next time a wave of energy chooses you as an outlet, you will notice what you’re about to quash, and maybe choose to honor it instead.
Let’s set ourselves free.
In kindness,
Annie
Takeaways:
Even as chronic illness people and spoonies, we DO have POWERFUL ENERGY running through us. It’s just not constant, not as abundant, less predictable, less manageable than regular folks.
When a surge of energy rises, trying to contain it can be physically and emotionally destructive.
When we deny it and push it back inside, it’s a loss because it can’t be put on hold.
By honoring it, even not in the direction it wanted to go, we let the “powers that be” know that we are grateful, honorable vessel and that it could use us again.
Because we are chronic illness people, we ARE FORCES OF NATURE. It just takes a little awareness to realize it.