How I Lost My Voice. Again. — Ch.il.l. ~ Chronic Illness Life

A few weeks ago, I had a really rough week. I watched Netflix for 3 days. If I stopped, the heaviness and crying was just too much.

I’ve felt so drained, emptied, depleted of life force and Annie’s oomph.
I was tired of having to, striving for, pushing, seeking, willing, trying.
Tired of being positive, being strong, of seeking joy, digging for inner peace.
Tired of my life as it is, as it’s been.

If I allowed myself to go there, I could even question whether or not my life has actually progressed in the last nine years. Since I got married.

Yes, I have loved, was loved, had adventures, witnessed and felt so much beauty, I’ve experienced a lot of Life, and Life has experienced a lot through me.

But I felt so tired. Tired of bouncing around (moved 15+ times in 9 years), of being in so much debt, not having a home to rest, dealing with illness, studying for food as medicine, cooking to beat (Dan’s) cancer. Tired of hoping, of trying to start businesses. Tired of dreams that never come true.

I posted something on facebook and a friend said, “You’re burnt. But knowing you for as long as I have, you always go back to the light.”

I started re-emerging.
Gathering strength.

Enough to start excavating for what was hiding far below the surface of this slump.
I dug deeper than our difficult circumstances, fears and challenges.

What I found was that I’d lost my voice trying to meld it into a common voice with Dan.

When we met, I had just written a spiritual memoir. And for the first time in my life, it was MY voice.
At last.
After a lifetime of searching, it was a balm, a relief, a profound joy.

Then we joined our lives and for nine years I busted my ass trying to build various businesses. The first ones around causes that we’re Dan’s and seemed more promising than my own, and so I made them mine. Sometimes with an acute feeling that it didn’t feel right, but it made sense, so I made it make sense for me.

I gave it my all.

Each of these projects ended without success or satisfaction.

Through the years, I made a few attempts at developing a social media presence around MY voice, but then invariably, life, cancer, concussion, cancer again, moving, always got in the way.

Then I created a YouTube channel where we shared common thoughts, our wisdom, our struggles, our joy and adventures. This was closer to my vision of sharing. I did all the work: ideas, setting up, editing, posting. Coaxing Dan into it. Sometimes resulting in friction.

Then this year, our channel ((The Dan and Annie Show) became about our cancer journey. And again, I’ve given it my all.

Even this hasn’t taken off the way you’d expect if you put in the work and are aligned with your…destiny.

Something is still off.

My sense is it hasn’t worked because neither of us is being fully, authentically ourselves. We’re trying to meet in a blended middle where the edges are missing. Leaving us both feeling stunted and often frustrated.

In meditation I heard, “Annie, you cannot be US until you are YOU, fully empowered first. Without that, the mission of US cannot be realized. It’s a pre-requisite.”

Until we are fully empowered individuals, we cannot fully power our common mission.

Okay. I get it.

But it’s scary (plain scary and also scary exciting).

Scary to dive into speaking as ME.

Scary to take away attention from US.

I love our dynamic. I love The Dan and Annie Show. I have given it my all for a long time.

But I know I need to do this.

I need to use my voice to help women who live with chronic illness because that’s the workshop of my life. A workshop that started 47 years ago.

As Derek Rydall says: “The workshop you’re living is the workshop you’re meant to give.”

As scary as it is, I need to start by sharing my chronic illness life story.

All of it.

I need to set myself free.

Because the pain or shame we keep silent has power over us.
The secret of a separate, untold life slowly kills our spirit.
It makes us prisoners, wounded captives of our deepest truth.

Bringing our stories into the light shifts the power over to us.
It gives others permission to do the same

It’s not about oversharing, it’s about connecting.

And I long for true connection and live for freedom.

I want to do it so you can do it too.

So that’s what I’m working on. My story. And I’ll be sharing it shortly.

💚
Annie

(2 days ago, a procedure revealed Dan needs yet another surgery, asap)